Declutter and Self Love

Lately, I have been holding onto the past too much. I would wish and over think that things would change. They did not. Time to fully move on. I started to but in the back of my mind, I really wished to stay in a hopeful mood. I felt weak and this situation made me feel self doubt and a lack of confidence. Now, I realize I am more than the situation. I decided to make some deletions of social media, photos, and belongings. No more of this painful past in my life anymore. 

Dating should not be painful. However, it is work. It is not a fairy tale. Things do not magically happen and fall into place. It is about giving and taking. You should never have doubt that your a poor person in a relationship. You should never have to feel that the way you are is incorrect. If someone ever tells you are “over dramatic” or “need to stop thinking. Shut off your brain” then leave.

  To that person..the over thinking is who they are. They can’t change who they are. To tell someone they are dramatic is painful. It makes them question who they are. It makes them believe they are ugly and unbearable. To not apologize and mean it is worse.

 To tell someone to stop thinking and shut off your brain..that means that you are controlling and telling the person to stop being a person. Why would you change someone who has a big heart, worry about the person, and have ideas of making a relationship work? Every action or thought was to show I cared, respected, and admired you. 

 Thank you for breaking up with me. I am glad to see that I do not need that negative force in my life. You can’t change a person. This is who I am. 

I hope you find someone who has a big heart like me (maybe bigger) and will show respect despite your flaws and habits. However, I am in search for someone who understands my big heart and will NEVER tell me I am dramatic and need to shut my brain in a hurtful manner. 

 

 I bought this ring last month to show I love myself. This is a ring that claims my commitment to me and no one else. I use it as an anchor. 

 I felt lost and deprived of love, especially loving myself. I questioned who I am as a person. I worried that the way I am is off putting and that no one will see me as something special. Some days are still hard but it is getting better. 

 When I look at my ring on my hand or if Icrub the pearl with my index finger, I realize that I am special. I am powerful. I am incredibly smart, talented, beautiful, and kind. My overthinking and anxiety is apart of who I am. We all have flaws. I am perfect with my imperfections.

Somedays are harder than others. However, I do the following to keep me grounded:

1.) Surround myself with people who love my imperfections.

2.) Teach my students but try to slip in inspirational motives and ideologies that keep me going. Hopefully, inspiring myself inspires ones of them.

3.) Eat right, don’t drink alcohol, get plenty of sleep, wear makeup and exercise. I am worth good health.

4.) Do what makes you happy and don’t be afraid to say no.

5.) If someone doesn’t like who I am, move on.

Life is too short to feel the way I have been feeling. Moving on is the best medicine.

-Jackie

The Scale and I have Broken Up!

??????????????????  I am done! Over! I am so sick of my scale. I feel like the scale if fully taking over my life and I can not stand it. I am always weighing my self. Now my mind is so messed up that I am weighing myself everyday. I am just upset because I have not lost any weight since July. Since this is the case, I feel as if the scale is mocking me. Mocking me that it keeps going up and down..up and down..or dead still. I am sick of you scale. I am more than this number and I think this number is lying. I do not feel as if I am gaining weight but muscle. I think my arms and stomach are starting to look great. I also think my legs look killer. The number is not telling the truth. Why step on something full of negativity? I sound crazy, right? Oh boy. I am tired of stepping on the scale. Starting Friday which is tomorrow..I will weigh myself and not weigh myself again until December 6. I want to see what happens. I mean even if I gain all this weight what difference does it make sense I have not lost weight and I have been on a roller coaster ride since July. What will one month do? I am going to try this out. I have nothing else to lose. The only dangerous thing to come is Thanksgiving. So we will see what will happen. I am so annoyed with my scale. I really am. I am over it.

 On another note I plan on writing a final paper in one of my classes about Weight-Watchers and the rhetoric it has. It will not be a negative paper or anything. I am actually going to be positive because Weight-Watchers has really helped me with my weight loss. Maybe I’ll post it when I am done but I think everyone will be bored of my random graduate school talk. All I can say is I had to write the paper when I found an article comparing Weight-Watchers to Foucault. Alright, I am done being a nerd.

-Jackie