I am merely expressing myself here. I am not looking for people feeling worry or sympathy. I am stating my claims on why I have been silent on here. As I watch the numbers (average of 500 people a day)…I feel I need to say you are reading things that I don’t feel currently.
If you have any questions you can leave a comment or message me directly.
Negative thinking and feeling consistent guilt and fear is crippling to a person. Any ounce of positive thinking tends to disappear and you tend to make yourself feel sick. When this happens, it does not matter how wonderful you are or others feel this way about you..you can’t disappear from the negative thinking. People tell you positive things and even you will speak to yourself…but when the feeling and thoughts of negativity comes through..you can not escape it.
It doesn’t even hurt you as a person. It hurts the people around you. They don’t understand what is going on in your mind and they think you are personally attacking them. That is not the case. You can’t control your thoughts or express your thoughts. They think you are acting childish or hateful but really you are doing the best you can to express yourself. It just doesn’t come out the way you want or how others want it to be.
Feeling this way for months is exhausting and can lead a person to feel sick. Maybe there is more going on in the human body..but the mind is powerful. When one feels foggy, unable to concentrate or function it is rather exhausting to a person. You try to do your best and hope it goes away..but then you realize you need help.
This year has been rather rough for me. I have constant guilt hanging over my head with decisions I made. I feel I am not good at my job despite being only in my second year and overwhelmed with nine classes.
Life is not perfect. It is not a Disney movie. I have been hard on myself for I believe in order, organization and everything has to be perfect. When things are not perfect or meet my expectations..I lose it. I get frustrated and upset. I tend to move away from the positives of the situation and/or ignore anything good that happened.
Someone important to me told me that things take time. I agreed with this a year ago..but when things went “wrong”..I moved away from this. I was against the concept of time last year. Time was nothing more than a construct that society created to get to point A and to point B. I felt time hurt me because my point B was destroyed..but when I thought about it..I destroyed point B. Not time.
Anyway, I have been rather exhausted in the last couple of months. I found myself losing interests in anything I used to have a passion for. I have not worked out in two months. I have not watched a movie at home without sleeping. I have not written here or any type of outlet for a while. Things did not seem to matter except work, eating and sleeping. I found myself sleeping for hours. My Fitbit clocked me an average of ten hours of sleep a week. No matter how much I slept I was exhausted. No matter what I did..I just moved away from it to sleep. I find the only pleasure in life is eating/drinking and due to this, I have gained ten pounds since September.
I am still exhausted but I am moving forward. With the help of my mom, I went to a doctor. I feel I am stepping in the right direction. I need to move on. Nothing last forever and the only thing in life I can control is myself. I can’t control other people..events…or time. I can only control myself.
Despite all of the distractions happening in my head, I do have a lot to be grateful for. I have wonderful people in my life. Despite my exhaustion of my job and feeling I am not good enough..I have a job. I have some where to live and a new car. I make decent money. I have a great singing voice and the art to look at both sides of situations. I can make people laugh. I know I am intelligent. I am adorable. I am worth being here and to be heard. I have accomplished so much on my own in a short amount of time.
So please..be patient with me. I am doing the best I can. I know I am a lot right now. I am working on myself and it takes time.