It Takes Time..

  I am merely expressing myself here. I am not looking for people feeling worry or sympathy. I am stating my claims on why I have been silent on here. As I watch the numbers (average of 500 people a day)…I feel I need to say you are reading things that I don’t feel currently. 

If you have any questions you can leave a comment or message me directly.

Negative thinking and feeling consistent guilt and fear is crippling to a person. Any ounce of positive thinking tends to disappear and you tend to make yourself feel sick. When this happens, it does not matter how wonderful you are or others feel this way about you..you can’t disappear from the negative thinking. People tell you positive things and even you will speak to yourself…but when the feeling and thoughts of negativity comes through..you can not escape it.
 It doesn’t even hurt you as a person. It hurts the people around you. They don’t understand what is going on in your mind and they think you are personally attacking them. That is not the case. You can’t control your thoughts or express your thoughts. They think you are acting childish or hateful but really you are doing the best you can to express yourself. It just doesn’t come out the way you want or how others want it to be. 

 Feeling this way for months is exhausting and can lead a person to feel sick. Maybe there is more going on in the human body..but the mind is powerful. When one feels foggy, unable to concentrate or function it is rather exhausting to a person. You try to do your best and hope it goes away..but then you realize you need help. 

 This year has been rather rough for me. I have constant guilt hanging over my head with decisions I made. I feel I am not good at my job despite being only in my second year and overwhelmed with nine classes. 

 Life is not perfect. It is not a Disney movie. I have been hard on myself for I believe in order, organization and everything has to be perfect. When things are not perfect or meet my expectations..I lose it. I get frustrated and upset. I tend to move away from the positives of the situation and/or ignore anything good that happened.

Someone important to me told me that things take time. I agreed with this a year ago..but when things went “wrong”..I moved away from this. I was against the concept of time last year. Time was nothing more than a construct that society created to get to point A and to point B. I felt time hurt me because my point B was destroyed..but when I thought about it..I destroyed point B. Not time.

 Anyway, I have been rather exhausted in the last couple of months. I found myself losing interests in anything I used to have a passion for. I have not worked out in two months. I have not watched a movie at home without sleeping. I have not written here or any type of outlet for a while. Things did not seem to matter except work, eating and sleeping. I found myself sleeping for hours. My Fitbit clocked me an average of ten hours of sleep a week. No matter how much I slept I was exhausted. No matter what I did..I just moved away from it to sleep. I find the only pleasure in life is eating/drinking and due to this, I have gained ten pounds since September.

 I am still exhausted but I am moving forward. With the help of my mom, I went to a doctor. I feel I am stepping in the right direction. I need to move on. Nothing last forever and the only thing in life I can control is myself. I can’t control other people..events…or time. I can only control myself.
Despite all of the distractions happening in my head, I do have a lot to be grateful for. I have wonderful people in my life. Despite my exhaustion of my job and feeling I am not good enough..I have a job. I have some where to live and a new car. I make decent money. I have a great singing voice and the art to look at both sides of situations. I can make people laugh. I know I am intelligent. I am adorable. I am worth being here and to be heard. I have accomplished so much on my own in a short amount of time. 

So please..be patient with me. I am doing the best I can. I know I am a lot right now. I am working on myself and it takes time.
-Jackie

Have Been on Hiatus

This semester has been very rough for me. I have a nine class load and I am finding the stress of work hitting me lately. It is extremely hard to do anything for yourself when you are always prepping and always grading to keep up. I love my job, but I will never have my courses have this amount of work and I hope this semester is helping for future ones when it comes to prep.

 I have not been to the gym much. Granted, I get my steps in from lecturing but I have not been to a spin class since September. My schedule doesn’t allow it. By the weekend my back and feet hurt so much that I have no drive to workout. It is terrible.

 Due to the stress, I find myself snacking a lot. I am trying to get away from it but since I am so busy; I have no other way to realize my tension. I understand this is a whole line of excuses. I don’t find myself knowing what to do and having support lately. People tell me to just do you and do what you want. It is extremely hard with this schedule.

 I love my job. I love creating lesson plans and helping my students. I am noticing how much stronger they are becoming with their writing. Sometimes, the conversations are becoming insightful.

 I have over 300 students this semester. Three reading courses, four Composition 102, and two Composition 101 courses. I have a lot of grading on my plate. I create all my lectures. Since this is only my second year, teaching is like flying a plane without the plane being built. It seems to never end with creating and grading. I know never semester will be easier. 
 I am extremely stressed but I do have great things in my life that helps me forget the stress. I have my family, friends, and a new guy in my life. They help me stay focus. I only have six weeks left. I can do this.
Sorry to be so silent. I haven’t really “gained” even though I feel I have..but I am not motivating right now. I am not following plans or going on with what I want. This is the American dream people..work…work…work..without benfits or a clear image of will you have a job in the next semester. Maybe I picked the wrong career path, but I love being in the college environment and teaching. Maybe all my hard work will pay off someday..this day is just not now.


-Jackie

Drinking More Water

 Lately, I have been feeling foggy and unclear with things. I do not feel awake or alert. I noticed I am not drinking enough water. I drink a lot of coffee and alcohol. I need to start going back to H2O. 


I did well yesterday. My goal is to hit 68 oz’s everyday. I am staying away from soda. I have been drinking too much of it. Also, I am going to start to watch my alcohol intake. I need to cut down to one or two drinks. I also need to learb to drink water in between.

 I am learning to get back to where I was. One step at a time. 

-Jackie

Transformation Tuesday: NonSelfies


 Usually when I take a picture of my face; I like the selfie angle. It makes sense. Gravity. Lately, I have been accepting straight on pictures of myself.

  The first picture was taken in 2012 when I was twenty-three. The second was a couple weeks ago in 2016. 

Does anyone hate getting their picture taken? Even at my heaviest I let people take a pictures of me. Why? Whenever I have children, I want my kids to see how nice and fun their mom’s life was and is. I also want to be remembered if I am not around. Morbid, I know.

This is the digital ages. Embrace your image. You are all beautiful.
-Jackie

Positive Today; Positive Tomorrow

 I noticed that my blog was getting a lot of traffic today; so I decided to post something small. 

 I have been having a great month of August. My mood had been at a all high and my confidence is great. I have someone in my life currently who is a postive rather than a negative. 

I have been eating somewhat better but I am tracking my food more. Drinking has been less recently. I think it is due to my high spirits. My mood and personality is drastically different as well. I am looking at life in a different way.


 I mean, wouldn’t you feel positive after holding a sloth and feeding her a carrot? 

 Weight loss is not just about losing weight. I thought it was about losing numbers off the scale. I didn’t have to just lose weight but I needed a personality check. My mind has been so foggy and unclear for so long. I sort of lost myself. Now, I am realizing I am a good person and being happy and healthy is what matters.

 The school semester starts soon. I am excited to mentor and motivate my students to become critical thinkers and writers. I am excited to see what the future holds. The future looks bright.
-Jackie

 

Staying Positive

I have not posted in a while. Life has been rather interesting but busy. While all this is happening; one must stay positve. I have had a lot of great things happen in the last week, but one event that I must remain postive about. 


 My mind is always changing and with events recently it is changing for the better. I was always filled with negative thoughts but recently I have learned that thoughts like this does not do a person any good. Why worry and fret about things that you can not change? You are the only thing that can change. Focus on that.

 So, even with the recent events I must stay positive and give this person positivity too.

-Jackie

The Best Night of my Life

The shooting in Orlando was a terrible tradgey. It really hurt my heart to hear something like this happened to a community that is all about love and acceptance.

 Over the last year I joined in events with the gay community. Mostly drag shows to be specific. I am not a homosexual but I believe that life is worth living. We can not go through life worrying and hating. Life should be about loving who you are and the people around you. Again, love and acceptance. This community has showed me this. For the first time EVER in my life I love myself. I feel comfortable in my own skin because I feel I am not judged and I can be myself.

On July 21st, Philadelphia did a charity event for the tradgedy in Orlando. All the bars in the Gayborhood opened their doors if you had a wrist band. You could jump from bar to bar and not worry what to do because there were so many events. I went with two girlfriends of mine. The night was amazing.


Never have I witnessed so many people together for one event. No fights, no judgment and no worries. Everywhere we went we met so many people. We did things we never did before such as dance for hours. 


 Glitter thrown onto our bodies, accidently giving a drag queen a $20, catching Pokemon in the middle of the street and running into people from your home town. To end the night we sang Seasons of Love at the top of our lungs. In the past I would have recorded it but living in the moment was ten times sweeter.

I did not have any negative thoughts, I felt confident and comfortable. It was a night I will always remember and it was all for a good cause. The event raised 70,000 that night. It is an amazing feeling I was apart of this loving and accepting night.


This community has really changed my outlook on life. 


 However, I am still finding glitter in my room and bathroom a week later!

-Jackie